Fighting With Your Lover? 3 Steps in Handling Arguments

Relationships are not always sunshine and butterflies. Sometimes, you might fight or argue. It’s inevitable. But with proper guidance, a seeming negative thing can be transformed into a chance for constructive improvement.

Fighting is sometimes necessary. It allows both sides of the relationship to air out their problems and grievances. It allows both of you a forum to address problematic behaviors that are happening in the relationship.

Fighting can also be constructive. When you air out your problems, you bring the possibility of improving your relationship. When you change chronic and recurrent behaviors that are inflicting irritation or damage in your relationship, it improves the relationship’s overall health and viability.

Let’s look at three steps to argue properly:

1. Be diplomatic.

Set a proper time to do “the talk.” Avoid distractions and set your calendars to busy. Each of you should have a detailed idea of your grievances because you want to be sure that the problem is clear to both of you.

Avoid being in a bad mood. Keep your emotions in check. When you enter “the talk” you do not want to carry the stress of the day with you. If necessary, perform breathing exercises or meditation. If your partner is upset, be the one in control, and do not lose your cool. As long as one of you is level-headed, the discussion should go well.

As much as possible avoid criticism. When addressing issues, avoid statements that revolve solely around one another. Instead of saying “why do you always leave your clothes on the floor,” instead, try saying “would you mind helping me out and placing your clothes in the hamper?” The latter takes the form of a request and is not criticizing.

2. Get to the root of the problem.

Treat causes, not symptoms. Allow full disclosure and tempered passion if needed. Converse with your partner about what the problem is. Avoid cutting each other off when you talk and listen intently.

Directly state the problem. For example, if the problem revolves around jealousy then be direct. For example, share that you feel jealous she is always talking to so-and-so and that you don’t trust the both of them being together.

Once identified, state your commitment to the solution. If your significant other doesn’t like that you are communicating too deeply with another woman, assure her that you do not see her that way.

Likewise, provide concessions by assuring you will not see her in public or communicate with her anymore. Be transparent and stick to your commitments.

3. Negotiation is key.

You can’t fix everything. Sometimes both sides will have to make concessions. For example, if your lover is jealous of someone at work, it would be too much of her to ask that you resign and move to another workplace. There needs to be a middle ground.

Finding a win-win solution is key to negotiation. Each side must change or give up something for both sides to come back better than before. Going back to the previous example, a counter-offer to resign due to your partner’s jealousy would be to try to find work arrangements that will avoid contact with that person.

In exchange, you must ask her to trust you. Be sure to recall instances that convince your beloved that you can be trusted with such circumstances.

If in the end there is no solution, agree to disagree. Sometimes we need to accept that there are some non-negotiables in relationships and that is something that will come with the territory. As much as possible, be the first one willing to make adjustments to the relationship.

Argue in a cool, calm, collected way.

Always keep your cool. Do not avoid arguments if there is an issue. Initiate it in a controlled and collected way. Make sure that when you enter into the argument that tensions and emotions are kept in check and that you avoid one-sided criticism.

When you do discuss, remember that you want to find solutions. Do not focus on the problem. Instead, ask why this problem or irritation is occurring. That way, your next move will be to discuss solutions and commitments toward them.

You can’t get everything that you want sometimes. Make the first move on your side. This will also give you leverage to ask for concessions from your partner. Seek a solution where you and your partner will come out happy and better together.

It’s not always going to be smooth sailing in relationships. It’s near impossible to find a relationship that has gone without an argument. However, when it does happen, you will know how to constructively argue for the better.